Fighting for my Light.

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I guess now I should tell you all why the title of my blog is called “Fighting for my Light.”

Well, initially I wanted the title to be “Fighting with darkness,” but my classmates thought that was a little too dark and it would turn people away from reading it.

What some of them might not know is.. Depression is a dark subject.

So dark that sometimes I don’t change the clothes I wear for days. I don’t wash my hair, or wash my teeth. I don’t go outside. I sit in the dark abyss that my life has become sometimes.

Then, they gave me that advice. Which I obviously took.

But not because they gave it to me. But because my Light is God.

Every. Single. Day. I am fighting for my God. I am fighting to stop the darkness from ever creeping back into my life.

I am fighting to never having to hear the voices in my head tell me I’m ugly, or fat, or my acne is out of control, and if I would just wash my face I would be pretty.

I fight every day to stop that. The only way I know how to stop that is to fight for my God. To fight every day to draw closer to Him.

So, my days begin with morning worship. On my daily commute listening to Christian worship songs. Praying for people as soon as they pop into my head. Encouraging myself and others.

My days end with my daily prayer journal to God. He already knows how my day went, but it’s nice to keep track of what’s going on in my life. Because I seem to forget things way too easily.

My days end with a thankful heart. Appreciating the fact that the Lord gave me another day to fight for Him.

Despite the fact that I wanted to kill myself a few times before.

He is good.

Let me help you find your Light.

 

Find you Light,

Sarah Ann

 

Crazy Meds

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So, back to my freshman year of college. After I had my mental breakdown in the random parking lot, my psychiatric evaluation and some much needed sleep, I finally got put on my anti-depressants and anxiety medication.

I needed anti-depressants because I was well, depressed.

And I needed my anxiety medication because every day I was having anxiety attacks. So much that my roommate at the time had to pick me up out of my shower while the water was running because I fell into a complete shutdown.

I was crying, screaming and so terrified of getting out of that shower.

The anti-depressants worked.

I moved home for the summer, and stopped taking them. Thinking I could conquer it on my own.

Only to find out I couldn’t.

I needed those medications. Like we all need oxygen to have life, I needed anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication to have life.

I got back on my regularly scheduled medication and it was fine until about February of my sophomore year of college.

I started to have a feeling that my medication had stopped working. That I had built up to an immunity to it.

I was prescribed a new medication, Effexor. Or should I say, Side-Effexor. Because the side effects of this medication were tremendously dark.

I was at my lowest point while taking this medication. The thoughts of killing myself were at an all time high because this medicine made me delirious. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat, I was becoming delusional.

I was seeing things that weren’t really there. I was on crazy meds.

I finally got taken off that medication. Only by taking myself off. Which is the incorrect way to do things, mind you.

But I got put on what is now my lovely happy pill, Prozac.

It is the best thing ever. And we have been happily together for the past year.

There was a period this year, in about December, January and February I decided I didn’t want to take medication anymore. So I just quit. Cold turkey.

I had hot flashes. Cold sweats. Headaches. Migraines. Nausea. Diarrhea. Loss of appetite. Anything you can think of as a side effect of not taking your medication that has been built up in your system for the past year, I had it.

I was having terrible withdrawal symptoms. I had no idea I was even having them. I thought I was deathly ill, and my time had come.

Nope.

I just decided to be an idiot and take my mental health on a roller coaster of highs and lows.

I was talked into (didn’t take much persuasion) after I found out what I had been doing to myself. For the past couple months I have been much better. Less headaches, normal eating habits and thankfully no more diarrhea.

I recommend to you all, don’t be stupid. Don’t be stupid about a lot of things. Especially don’t be stupid when it comes to your mental health and taking medication for it.

Find your Light,

Sarah Ann

13 Reasons Why Not To

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The most recent phenomenon that has swept over every person’s Facebook, Twitter and Netflix is about suicide. A suicide of a young girl, who is dealing with the drama of high school, boys and what’s even better are the adults that are around her who don’t seem to notice what’s happening.

The show ’13 Reasons Why’ is a 13 episode Netflix Original drama. It includes the “13 reasons” Hannah Baker kills herself. Those reasons being the people around her. The people she thought she was closest to.

Well, I’m here to inform you that if you watch that show that there are 13 reasons not to kill yourself.

1. The world needs you.

You were made specifically for one particular purpose in this world. No one else can be you. That’s your one and only job, and you can’t do that if you kill yourself.

2. We all go through a low point in our lives.

But choosing not to give in to these trials determines how strong we are as people.

3.Β Committing suicide will never solve your problems.

It will only make it worse for the people you decide to leave behind. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

4. Someone out there is continually praying to meet someone like you.

Someone out there wants to meet someone that is exactly the specific type of person you are. Don’t let having depression or anxiety keep you from living out your future.

5. Your dreams.

You can’t fulfill your dreams if you commit suicide. You are the only one who can fulfill your dreams.

6. You really don’t have the right to take away your life.

This life was given to you, not for you to take it away whenever you aren’t happy with what is happening around you. This life was given to you to show the glory of God to everyone around you.

7. You did not just go through everything to end your life right now.

You did not just go through hell and back just to give up. You are so much more stronger than you think you are.

8. You’re worth far more than you think.

You may be thinking right now at this moment that you aren’t worth anything to this world. Honestly, that may be true. Yet, the most important thing to know is you are worth so much to the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords. He specifically designed you in your mother’s womb. He has great expectations of you.

9. Your dog will miss you.

I’m serious. Dogs go through a depression when their master leaves. Don’t hurt him just because you are at what seems your lowest point. Live for him.

10. Breakdowns= Breakthroughs.

Just because you breakdown, doesn’t mean you have hit rock bottom. It means you are on your way to having the biggest breakthrough you have yet to have. It means once you hit that breakthrough, there’s no turning back.

11. You won’t get to wake up on cold mornings and drink warm coffee.

Or whatever your favorite thing to do is during your favorite season.

12. Laughing.

If you commit suicide you won’t be able to laugh ever again. Laughing is the best thing on this Earth. It is joy in its purest form. You don’t want to miss that.

13. Just don’t.

I don’t have anymore reasons for you not to commit suicide. Because ultimately, you are gonna do what you want to do.

Yet, I want you not to do that. Β I don’t want you to become another cliche or statistic about someone who didn’t take their pain and make into something beautifully magnificent.

I want you to use that pain to guide others. I want you to show them that there is a way out besides killing yourself. There is a way to express your anger, frustration, sadness, every feeling you have locked up inside besides hurting yourself.

I think the most beautiful thing a human can do for themselves is take their pain and turn it into beauty.

Find your Light,

Sarah Ann

 

Depression

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For me, it was a steadily creeping darkness that eventually took over me.

It was something I wasn’t even aware of until I found myself in an empty parking lot.

I found myself unable to reach for the Bible, that I loved so much to read. Eventually finding myself unworthy of the love that God allowed me to have.

I found myself body shaming myself. Crying. Sobbing. Screaming for someone to take this pain away.

I had no idea how it got there or how it happened. I just know it happened.

The call to my mother to tell her I wanted to kill myself will forever be branded into my memory. Β A memory full of dark, painful tears, a cry for help.

The cry for help I so desperately needed to make. I needed someone to tell me that crying endlessly for over three months wasn’t okay.

I wasn’t homesick like everyone assumed. I was depressed.

Depressed and suicidal.

My depression probably started around the age of 13. I was becoming more aware of who was a real friend and who wasn’t. Ultimately I looked around, and had no true friends.

It was never taken seriously and I was told to “Get over it.”

I got “over it” until the age of 18, freshman year of college, in a town where I knew no one. Feeling the same way as I did at 13, but much darker, scarier, and had a much deeper impact on me than ever before.

I had counselors. Two actually. Never finding out I was depressed or suicidal because I would never tell them how I truly felt.

Until, I called my mom telling her I wanted to kill myself. My mother told me to head for my counselor’s office and she would head to where I was. I ran to Tim’s* office on campus, and told him I wanted to die. I was a wreck. I was beaten and bruised mentally and emotionally.

Eventually, I was taken to the hospital to have a psychiatric evaluation. I wasn’t crazy per say. But I was going through emotional turmoil. My grandfather had just passed away, my sister moved away, I moved away to start a new chapter, and I also had emotional wounds from my childhood that I never recovered from.

Talking to me and finally opening up about wanting this pain to end and wanting it all to go away, was like opening a can of worms. It was messy, dark, and honestly a lot to handle.

But Β I ended up handling it. With the right concoction of antidepressants and anxiety medication, some intense counseling, and a lot- I mean a lot of praying, I began to heal.

It wasn’t fast and it still creeps up on me to this day. As I still am on a high dose of antidepressants and anxiety medication. But I am able to feel my feelings again, without having such highs and lows of emotion. Without having the darkness hover over my head like a black rain cloud.

I finally began to have a relationship with God again. Apologizing over and over again for even thinking I wanted to take this beautiful life he gave me away.

Being depressed, scared and alone are the worst feelings ever. Combining the three is just a nightmare.

I encourage you that if you are lost, scared, alone, depressed and cannot shake the feelings without feeling like you want this world to end, to seek help. If not, reach out to me or a friend or close relative.

I would love to help you fight for your light.

Find your Light,

Sarah Ann